i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
