cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize