maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
