Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
