dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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