its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
