as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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