I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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