Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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