Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
