I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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