uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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