I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
