Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
organizing the empties. That sober.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
