i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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