I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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