Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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