I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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