capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
