just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
