Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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