i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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