sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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