Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dicks are not precious.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I love you.
Bad choice
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
