Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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