He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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