Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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