I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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