he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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