Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
