i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
