At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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