had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
