I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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