I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
