Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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