woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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