a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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