What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
