Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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