Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
