I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
