don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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