the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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