she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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