I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We need to get me chipped asap
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
