You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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