went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
