she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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