Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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