I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
