remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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