K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
