My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
