Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
