I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize