I wish my penis had an off switch
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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