listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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