im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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